Co-regulation Models Self-regulation

https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/55708/when-a-childs-emotions-spike-how-can-a-parent-find-their-best-self

Emotions are challenging and hard to deal with even as an adult. We have learned and continue to learn how to cope with our emotions since we were infants. Childhood is the time we recognize our feelings and emotions making connections to what makes us feel a certain way. Emotions are overwhelming and big for children to deal with, often resulting in behaviors. They have to learn how to regulate their emotions and respond appropriately.

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Children learn to self-regulate their emotions by co-regulating with an adult, most often the parents, however, co-regulation can occur with anyone, such as between cousins, grandparents, or peers. Co-regulation is a responsive interaction used as a teaching moment to model skills on how children can manage their emotions. Difficulties in co-regulation in children can be displayed as a way to gain control, selfish behaviors, mood fluctuations, and difficulty sharing with others. You may recall moments with your child where they were upset and then you found yourself getting upset. The situation may have continued to escalate instead of being resolved. Implementing strategies can help you create space between your emotions and response. This space gives you the opportunity to process your emotions and react more calmly. Good news! We collaborated with Rachel Rouse from Emerge Family Coaching discussing steps to guide you through co-regulation with your child. 

 “Before self-regulation comes co-regulation.”

                          -Rachel Rouse 

Step #1: Get yourself calm.

Your body, your voice, and your face. Think about the strategies you implement to self-regulate. Do they help? Or do they make the situation worse?  During co-regulation, we demonstrate our emotional regulation skills to our child. Becoming calm is an important first step as we can’t expect a dysregulated child to be calm if we ourselves are not calm. The way we speak matters which includes our tone of voice, volume, and inflection. The auditory system is the first sensory system to shut down when we are elevated therefore an upset child will not process what you are saying until they are calm. We can help our child calm down by being calm ourselves. 

If you yourself want to improve your own self-regulation try  the following strategies:

• Engaging in mindfulness.

• Reciting a calming mantra. 

• Reframing your thoughts. This is known as cognitive reappraisal where you reinterpret the situation to change your emotional response to it. 

• Deep breathing. 

• Taking a moment to be alone. 

• Talking through your emotions to a trusted friend. 

Step #2: Get on their level. 

The height difference between you and your child can be scary and intimidating to them. In the situation they are already heightening and standing above them can escalate them even more. Bend down and be at eye level to know they have your full attention. 

Step #3: Listen with curiosity. 

Be open-minded and ask prompting questions to seek information and understand their perspective. Use the what, where, when, why to guide your questions. 

Example: ‘What is the matter?” “Why are you upset?” “Where does it hurt?” “When did this happen?”

Step #4: Show empathy. 

Acknowledge their feelings in an educational way verse a punishing way. It is never too early to name their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to be mad or feel sad as it teaches them emotions are real and identifying them can help us move through them appropriately.   

Example: “I see you are mad. It’s okay to be mad and I get mad sometimes too.” 

Step #5: Give them the opportunity to share additional feelings. 

They may not share everything with you right away in an elevated state. They may also be worried about getting in trouble. Reapproaching them when they are in a slightly calmer state allows them to verbalize their feeling more easily and for you to gain more information. 

Step #6: Ask if they need anything else. 

This will depend on the situation and age of your child. Smaller kids will more likely need physical affection. Others may need help facilitating a peer interaction, help with a task, or need something to eat or drink. 

Depending on the age of your child, these steps may look slightly different. Infants may need more soothing and rocking whereas a toddler may need more acknowledgment and empathy. These 6 steps can be implemented even as early as 4 years old. 

The MOST important thing is to not talk about their behavior during these steps. Just focus on calming and validating their feelings. Use language, such as, “I hear you. I see you.” When we are heightened, we are not able to access higher level thinking specifically our reasoning abilities. A child is not going to comprehend or remember what you are saying. Use a skill called circling back to address the behavior when everyone is more calm. This may be twenty minutes later or the next day. Circling back allows you to dig into their behavior and discuss more appropriate ways to handle their emotions. For example, “I know you were upset earlier, but it’s not okay to behave that way. Let’s think of other things we can do instead when we feel that way.” Emotional regulation skills are vital and these are crucial times for children to learn and practice. We can teach children to recognize when they need a break, pause before responding, or engage in deep breathing. Deep breathing can be done in fun, playful ways to integrate the skill simultaneously while engaged in an activity. 

Set aside time to practice these when your child is calm otherwise they won’t remember them when they are heightened. Through positive modeling, your child can learn to imitate the strategies to implement themselves in future situations. 

Implementing these 6 co-regulating steps may be hard at first. It will take more effort at the beginning, but it will pay off. The more you integrate them, the more likely you are to have follow-through. 

Here is the link to our Instagram Live with Rachel to hear more about this topic: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CI1zi6dnf0E/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Check out https://www.emergefamilycoaching.com/ to learn more about Emerge Family Coaching or connect with Rachel @emergefamilycoaching on social media.